It was a still and uneventful June morning,with deep darkness.It was very frightening when my cousin knocked the window.It was the morning of 11 June 2003 Wednesday.we were sleeping when he came,and then all of us woke suddenly after the noise made by my cousin.My mother opened the window and asked my cousin,who knocked the window and was shocked,"What happened?" He came to our house in a hurry because there was a person who had a heart-attack and died.Unfortunately,he was my father.
It was unbelievable that my father has died.I was shocked when I heard this because we left him only five months ago because of some unendurable and insistent problems.I haven't seen my frantic father since we left him and our house.I was shocked and was feeling like a stone.I thought ıt was a joke or a nightmare.I wanted to wake up as if it was a morning like every morning.I heard suddenly that my mother was crying.When I heard this,I realized that everything was real,and my father had died.After being shocked by the news of his death it looked as if I saw his frantic face and his white hair which was like snow.Then we went to our own house where my father had died.When I walked towards our house,I could hear a deathly silence.It seemed like the end of the world and my life.I didn't realize that he had died until Isaw his coffin.He was in coffin and was sleeping like a child,who sleeps in peace.Unfortunately,he started out his last travel.It seemed to me that he will come back,but he never came back and will never come back.
His death was the beginning of a new life,without him.It has affected me very much and will affect me until the end of my life.He was very important for me,and he will be.He died five years ago,but I never forget that day.That day is the nightmare of my life.I think,I never wake up from this nightmare.
Written by: Ayşe Şermin Kertis
the organization of your writing is good.As we have to do, it consists 3 phragraph.Your thesis statement is at last phragraph:it would be more effective if you wrote it at first phragraph.Except this ı didn't see any mistake in punctuation but there was a grammer mistake
ReplyDelete'' It seemed to me that he WILL come back'' ı think you should you past form of wıll. ı want to add that there was repetition at second phragraph you said that''I heard suddenly that my mother was crying.When I heard this,I realized that everything was real,and my father had died.'' and also you said ''I didn't realize that he had died until Isaw his coffin.'' ı think one of the is uncessary.
that's all.. =) see you